By now, we have all heard the news. Osama bin Laden, the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks and the head of Al Qaeda, was killed in a U.S. operation on Sunday night in Abbottabad, Pakistan. He was buried at sea today. Twitter streams were inundated with updates. The 24/7 news cycle has released a series of reports, making even the most current analysis look dated, (including my post last night). For now, as we bask in the glory of justice being served, and freedom reigning another day, we can also ponder what happens next. Here are a few potential scenarios:
Potential scenario #1: The White House releases a statement to clarify that “a Snooki” was not involved in the raid of Osama bin Laden, despite Snooki’s tweeted claim, “OMGZ. Osama was caught in Abuttababa?! That was, like, where Jersey Shore partied last weekend!” No fist pumps for you.
Potential scenario #2: A series of films inspired by OBL’s death go into production, including but not limited to, Pirates of the Caribbean: Burial at Sea, Team America: F*&%^ Yeah We Killed the B****, and GI Joe: The Really Real American Heroes. The Academy wonders why Hollywood can’t come up with anything better than crappy sequels.
Potential scenario #3: Pakistani talk show hosts broadcast scenes from Tere Bin Laden, a film about a journalist who creates a fake Osama bin Laden video to sell to news channels. Anchors use said clips as proof that OBL is still alive and his death is part of a staged Zionist/Blackwater/RAW conspiracy to paint Pakistan in a negative light.
Potential scenario #4: Sohaib Athar, or @ReallyVirtual, the Abottabad resident who unknowingly tweeted about Sunday’s helicopter raid on OBL’s compound, makes a killing off memorabilia that say, “Shoo Heli, Don’t Bother Me” and “Abottabad: NOT a Suburb of Islamabad.”
Potential scenario #5: Fox News conducts an unprecedented amount of firings. The reason? Reporters who keep flubbing the line; “Osama bin Laden is dead,” instead stating, “Obama bin Laden is dead.”
Potential scenario #6: The Republican Party, incensed with all the credit Obama is getting for the OBL death, initiates a new hunt – Operation Get Trump New Toupee.
Potential scenario #7: Kiefer Sutherland gets a call that he will no longer be playing Jack Bauer in the planned feature film version of the popular television series 24. Fox wants Gary Faulkner instead. Because when you open a can of whoop-ass, Gary Faulkner jumps out.
Potential scenario #8: The new season of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! drops D-list celebrities like Gary Busey and that girl who made the annoying “Friday” song in Abbottabad. In order to “get out of there,” celebrities need to say Abbottabad correctly. No one ever leaves.
Potential scenario #9: President Zardari, hurt that he only heard about the death from Washington after the fact, once again solicits former Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin for a hug. Palin, also hurt because she couldn’t see Abbottabad from her house, obliges.
Potential scenario #10: The Al Qaeda network claims that Osama bin Laden is still alive, producing him on camera looking slightly drowsy and confused. Meanwhile, reports surface that Spanish politician Gaspar Llamazares, the man whose photo the FBI infamously used to create an age-progressed mug shot of OBL, has disappeared. Coincidence?