By now, we have all heard the news. Osama bin Laden, the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks and the head of Al Qaeda, was killed in a U.S. operation on Sunday night in Abbottabad, Pakistan. He was buried at sea today. Twitter streams were inundated with updates. The 24/7 news cycle has released a series of reports, making even the most current analysis look dated, (including my post last night). For now, as we bask in the glory of justice being served, and freedom reigning another day, we can also ponder what happens next. Here are a few potential scenarios:
Potential scenario #1: The White House releases a statement to clarify that “a Snooki” was not involved in the raid of Osama bin Laden, despite Snooki’s tweeted claim, “OMGZ. Osama was caught in Abuttababa?! That was, like, where Jersey Shore partied last weekend!” No fist pumps for you.
This is a Snooki. It is lethal.
Potential scenario #2: A series of films inspired by OBL’s death go into production, including but not limited to, Pirates of the Caribbean: Burial at Sea, Team America: F*&%^ Yeah We Killed the B****, and GI Joe: The Really Real American Heroes. The Academy wonders why Hollywood can’t come up with anything better than crappy sequels.
Potential scenario #3: Pakistani talk show hosts broadcast scenes from Tere Bin Laden, a film about a journalist who creates a fake Osama bin Laden video to sell to news channels. Anchors use said clips as proof that OBL is still alive and his death is part of a staged Zionist/Blackwater/RAW conspiracy to paint Pakistan in a negative light.
Potential scenario #4: Sohaib Athar, or @ReallyVirtual, the Abottabad resident who unknowingly tweeted about Sunday’s helicopter raid on OBL’s compound, makes a killing off memorabilia that say, “Shoo Heli, Don’t Bother Me” and “Abottabad: NOT a Suburb of Islamabad.”
Potential scenario #5: Fox News conducts an unprecedented amount of firings. The reason? Reporters who keep flubbing the line; “Osama bin Laden is dead,” instead stating, “Obama bin Laden is dead.”
Potential scenario #6: The Republican Party, incensed with all the credit Obama is getting for the OBL death, initiates a new hunt – Operation Get Trump New Toupee.
Potential scenario #7: Kiefer Sutherland gets a call that he will no longer be playing Jack Bauer in the planned feature film version of the popular television series 24. Fox wants Gary Faulkner instead. Because when you open a can of whoop-ass, Gary Faulkner jumps out.
Gary Faulkner eats Jack Bauer's tears for breakfast.
Potential scenario #8: The new season of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! drops D-list celebrities like Gary Busey and that girl who made the annoying “Friday” song in Abbottabad. In order to “get out of there,” celebrities need to say Abbottabad correctly. No one ever leaves.
Potential scenario #9: President Zardari, hurt that he only heard about the death from Washington after the fact, once again solicits former Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin for a hug. Palin, also hurt because she couldn’t see Abbottabad from her house, obliges.
Potential scenario #10: The Al Qaeda network claims that Osama bin Laden is still alive, producing him on camera looking slightly drowsy and confused. Meanwhile, reports surface that Spanish politician Gaspar Llamazares, the man whose photo the FBI infamously used to create an age-progressed mug shot of OBL, has disappeared. Coincidence?
CHUP! - Changing Up Pakistan 
[…] Post-OBL Musings […]
This ISI hypocrisy in having sheltered OBL is freezing up business contacts as we speak. This is the nail in the coffin of Pakistan. Pakistan is now the most hated country in the US.
What a bunch of dirt-bags that have been running things. They are total idiots. Fiddling while Rome burns is exactly the point.
I held my breath when they first mentioned the location and literally did a #facepalm when I heard it was Pakistan. I mean, seriously! Why!
Never as funny as Stewart though. Love him:
http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-may-2-2011/big-deady?xrs=eml_tds
Did you have to take classes to be this funny or is the food you eat or what?
Ha thanks. I think it helps to be completely self-deprecating!
Scenarios 3,5 and 9 were totally WIN!!! Jokes apart, it is high time Mr.10% and Gen. Kayani realize their fatal idiocy and get the house in order.
this was hillarious kalsoom! humor helps in times like this.
Let me give you a background first, so that you can form the right image. I love geo politics, and hence have been following recent events in Pakistan and the middle east almost as closely as I follow events in India. I do not swallow western opinions blindly, I always lend my ears to both sides of the story.
I was watching how media of various nationalities were reacting to the news of OSAMA’s death. In this regard, I watched atleast four shows and read atleast four print media articles from Pakistan on the event. Two
Pakistani shows come to my mind, namely, Crossfire on Dunya TV with Mehar Bukhari aired on 02-05-11, ARY News program with Kashif Abbasi aired on 02-05-11. In all the shows I watched, and all the print media I read (excluding blogs), the points being discussed were
1. How not detecting OBL was a Pak intelligence failure
2. How Pak sovereignity was breached by American military operations
3. How the whole thing is a Hoax or a staged act
4. What the ruling party and government should have revealed
5. How the president should have reacted
6. What is American/Indian reaction going to be.
The above 6 points were the same points repeatedly discussed everywhere (give or take a couple of points) in Pak media. Which brings me to my question.
Why didn’t any anchor or journalist take this line of questioning?
What was Osama, the most hated person of the world, doing in Pakistan?
Why did Osama think he’d be safe in Pakistan of all the countries in the world?
Who was supporting him and providing him logistics?
How did he enter Pakistan without being spotted?
In whose name was that building registered?
Who was providing him food and medicines?
Why was nobody was willing to talk about the big elephant in the room? To me the discussions in Pak media looked like a beating around the bush, while constantly avoiding the main actor. Nobody spoke about Osama, or how he got there, and how he survived there, instead the discussions were all about Americans, hoaxes, conspiracies, Indians and Zardari. Nobody spoke about Osama and his relation with Pakistan. strange.
Did you hear about Falkner’s claim to the OBL reward money…hahaha check out the link below:
http://news.blogs.cnn.com/2011/05/04/how-close-did-bin-laden-hunter-get/?hpt=C2
My fav quote:
“I scared the squirrel out of his hole, he popped his head up and he got capped,” Faulkner told ABC News this week, referring to bin Laden’s death.
Hey, well, it looks like maybe Faulkner could have gotten OBL on his own, given he wasn’t well-protected. Who would have guessed that?
Meanwhile, Pak gov’t continues to issue retarded statements rather than deal seriously with the situation. I’m starting to believe these Wikipedia statistics that average IQ in Pakistan is 81. Easy to forget that if you’re living in the diaspora.
US was likely to enter Pakistan on April 30..most Pakistanis dont even know that 🙂
Sujay,
I would like to add to your comments something which I read in an article by a very senior retired Indian Army officer. He draws a parallel to a former President of India who had to go through a sensitive surgery away from public eye. This was done at the Army’s Research & Referral hospital in New Delhi and not one newspaper or TV channel came to know of this. Likewise, since UBL had to go through dialysis on a regular basis, what better place to get it done than in an army hospital at Thanda Chua away from prying eyes- so went his logic.
However, what stumps me completely is what value was UBL to the Pakistani establishment?!?! He was no ‘strategic asset’ for objectives in Afghanistan (like the Haqquanis & Gul Bahadur) or in Kashmir (like Hafiz Saeed or Salauddin). If anything UBL was detested by both of Pakistan’s benefactors, the Saudis and the Americans, so what on earth were they thinking about!!!!!!
@ Karachi Metro
Why was US going to enter Pakistan? I feel we are making this a huge issue where as its not such a big issue. The important thing is we got rid of osama bin ladin. I think we should focus on reality and stop giving absurd conspiracy theories which create rifts between US n Pakistan.